Nu Die-It

While I was getting all pampered at the salon the other day I had to listen to the receptionists at the salon talk about their new 2010 diets. They're all detoxing and they feel like crap, apparently. Everyone is really into diets that make them feel like crap so I'm going to help you sadistic souls out there with a few ideas of my own.

1. The Haiti Diet

• no food
• no water

Now you might ask yourself, "Too soon?" But I say to you, "No!"

Being revolutionary means taking chances. Time is money. Nobody hated on Arthur Agatson when he exploited the natural disaster that was South Beach and made it a diet. What South Beach natural disaster am I speaking of? Human stupidity.

2. The Mime Diet

• mime eating

This is the new "French Women Don't Get Fat" diet. What you do is to sit down on an invisible chair pulled up to an invisible table and eat using imaginary plates, forks, spoons, and of course, imaginary food.

This diet essentially combines lowering calorie intake as well as exercise. Miming is sort of like tai-chi, I think. Squat! Squat!

3. Anorexia

• the classic and favorite diet of celebrities, politicians, and regular folks
• truly stupid and guaranteed to make you feel like crap

When all your fad diets die down, don't look any further than the trusted anorexia diet. All diets today are just a cheap imitation of this original. It was developed and tested by millions of men and women worldwide and stood unwavering through the trial of time. No clubs to join, no meetings, no books to buy(!) and no more cooking!

It is very dangerous so I encourage you to not do this at all.

Consult a doctor before undertaking any drastic lifestyle changes.

Be happy with who you are.