Animal Writes

I'm going to write about animals.

The top 5 hottest pet trends for 2009.

1. PIGS
-notable influences: the movie Babe, George Clooney, the movie Babe
-downside: pigs outgrow your house, you can never eat bacon again without guilt
-upside: free bacon, it'll eat your children's science projects
Verdict: get one




2. TIGERS
-notable influences: Princess Jasmine, Siegfried & Roy, Tigger
-downside: Roy (poor Roy), they are carnivorous attack beasts (poor Roy), they are endangered, they are also really expensive
-upside: you are the coolest person anyone knows, tiger sex
Verdict: get one before they go totally extinct




3. BUTTERFLIES
-notable influences: Mariah Carey
-downside: they are useless and boring
-upside: they're really quiet
Verdict: go to a lame wedding and try to catch the ones they release at the end of the ceremony because the bride thought it was a really sweet idea but in fact, she's a moron.




4. HUMAN PETS
-notable influences: goth girls tying spiked collars around their boyfriends and walking them around on a leash and making him bark, etc
-downside: everything about it is stupid
-upside: you get to know who your real friends are
Verdict: Get one, but keep it in the bedroom




5. ALIEN
-notable influences: E.T., Suri Cruise, Star Wars
-downside: fleeing from the CIA, epic intergalactic war
-upside: you will probably get laid somehow
Verdict: Get two, so they can mate

The business of business

The best new marketing strategy is to glamorize what is otherwise very un-hip and even slightly repulsive. What is more icky than Vaseline? Often associated with gross chapped skin and lips and often paired with saran wrap as a poor platform for backdoor sex.
But look how a little razzle dazzle makes it so cool and hip. You can probably expect to see this at Urban Outfitters or possibly Target [what's the difference?]



See how that makes you just want to buy a jar? I know I do. I want to rub that all over my body and roll around on saran wrap sheets. Now, that's a magic carpet ride.