Nu Die-It

While I was getting all pampered at the salon the other day I had to listen to the receptionists at the salon talk about their new 2010 diets. They're all detoxing and they feel like crap, apparently. Everyone is really into diets that make them feel like crap so I'm going to help you sadistic souls out there with a few ideas of my own.

1. The Haiti Diet

• no food
• no water

Now you might ask yourself, "Too soon?" But I say to you, "No!"

Being revolutionary means taking chances. Time is money. Nobody hated on Arthur Agatson when he exploited the natural disaster that was South Beach and made it a diet. What South Beach natural disaster am I speaking of? Human stupidity.

2. The Mime Diet

• mime eating

This is the new "French Women Don't Get Fat" diet. What you do is to sit down on an invisible chair pulled up to an invisible table and eat using imaginary plates, forks, spoons, and of course, imaginary food.

This diet essentially combines lowering calorie intake as well as exercise. Miming is sort of like tai-chi, I think. Squat! Squat!

3. Anorexia

• the classic and favorite diet of celebrities, politicians, and regular folks
• truly stupid and guaranteed to make you feel like crap

When all your fad diets die down, don't look any further than the trusted anorexia diet. All diets today are just a cheap imitation of this original. It was developed and tested by millions of men and women worldwide and stood unwavering through the trial of time. No clubs to join, no meetings, no books to buy(!) and no more cooking!

It is very dangerous so I encourage you to not do this at all.

Consult a doctor before undertaking any drastic lifestyle changes.

Be happy with who you are.

If it isn't free then I'm not buying it

I wish the Olsens would let me be their triplet.

I'd be the tallest one of the bunch, but they'll get over it.

All of us can wear those towering Balenciaga boots while nursing our ventis.

Of course that won't happen.

I can't even afford the knockoff... =(

I've been obsessing over these shoes.

My birthday is coming up. =)

My friend Sarah blogged about my new year's hair bow! So cool to be blogged about. I was really inspired by the latest Marc by Marc Jacobs show.

It's exactly 5 am.

Now it's 5:01 am.

5:06 time for bed.

Eye condoms

Would you let someone lick your eyeball(s)? Would it turn you on?
I would only let someone do that to me if I were wearing my contacts and I was going to throw those contacts away anyway.

Animal Writes

I'm going to write about animals.

The top 5 hottest pet trends for 2009.

1. PIGS
-notable influences: the movie Babe, George Clooney, the movie Babe
-downside: pigs outgrow your house, you can never eat bacon again without guilt
-upside: free bacon, it'll eat your children's science projects
Verdict: get one




2. TIGERS
-notable influences: Princess Jasmine, Siegfried & Roy, Tigger
-downside: Roy (poor Roy), they are carnivorous attack beasts (poor Roy), they are endangered, they are also really expensive
-upside: you are the coolest person anyone knows, tiger sex
Verdict: get one before they go totally extinct




3. BUTTERFLIES
-notable influences: Mariah Carey
-downside: they are useless and boring
-upside: they're really quiet
Verdict: go to a lame wedding and try to catch the ones they release at the end of the ceremony because the bride thought it was a really sweet idea but in fact, she's a moron.




4. HUMAN PETS
-notable influences: goth girls tying spiked collars around their boyfriends and walking them around on a leash and making him bark, etc
-downside: everything about it is stupid
-upside: you get to know who your real friends are
Verdict: Get one, but keep it in the bedroom




5. ALIEN
-notable influences: E.T., Suri Cruise, Star Wars
-downside: fleeing from the CIA, epic intergalactic war
-upside: you will probably get laid somehow
Verdict: Get two, so they can mate

The business of business

The best new marketing strategy is to glamorize what is otherwise very un-hip and even slightly repulsive. What is more icky than Vaseline? Often associated with gross chapped skin and lips and often paired with saran wrap as a poor platform for backdoor sex.
But look how a little razzle dazzle makes it so cool and hip. You can probably expect to see this at Urban Outfitters or possibly Target [what's the difference?]



See how that makes you just want to buy a jar? I know I do. I want to rub that all over my body and roll around on saran wrap sheets. Now, that's a magic carpet ride.